By: Kelley O.
May your days be merry and bright…that’s what the old song tells us to expect this time of year, right?
Christmas has ALWAYS been my favorite time of year, but the last few Christmases have been tough. I lost two of my pregnancies in December.
Last Christmas was one of the worst.
I was at my in-laws for Christmas. After all the festivities were over, the presents had been opened, and everyone retreated to their respective napping places, I went to nap on my favorite couch downstairs. My husband was next to me, snoring away. I closed my eyes and had a terrible nightmare over and over and over. I woke up to my husband shaking me gently asking what was wrong because I had been crying aloud in my sleep.
The nightmare was the scene of the emergency room a few months before when my water broke at 15 weeks.
After speeding down curvy roads in Smokey Mountain National Park with my mother-in-law running to the vehicles in front of us telling them to get out of the way, I ended up in the emergency room having a D&C.
During my Christmas nap, the scene that played over and over was when I was in the emergency room where the nurse and doctor removed what they could before my surgery. It was as though I was right back there in the ER. Once I was fully awake from this nightmare and as dry eyed as I could be, my husband and I ventured upstairs to rejoin the family. With tears in my eyes I hugged my mother in-law and thanked her, for loving me enough to run down a mountain. She knew what I was referring to and hugged me even tighter. I told her that Christmas was hard, especially watching my nephew and niece open gifts and giggle with excitement and seeing the love my in-laws have for them. I can’t say that it doesn’t make me jealous, because deep down it does.
So how do I do it? How do I get through these times of joy and cheer?
PRAYER. LOTS OF PRAYER.
I thank God every day for the life that He has given me, even if it’s not the life I planned for myself. He has given me a wonderful husband who is loving and kind and has been by my side from the very beginning and walks this journey with me every day. He has given me wonderful parents and siblings who pray for my husband and I every day, and He has given me the most wonderful in-laws any girl could ask for, who love me as one of their own. God has also given me strength and the heart of a fighter. I know that He is a faithful God and that He will fulfill His promises.
I also love and spoil my nephew and niece harder than most aunties do.
I hug all those close to me harder and longer because they are here with me, walking through this with me, supporting me and uplifting me.
I take each day as it comes, one day at a time. And hold onto hope.
This Christmas was quite a bit easier than the last few because God has birthed a new dream in the hearts of my husband and I. He’s calling us to foster and adopt. Nothing about our journey has gone the way I had hoped, but God has had a plan all along. I have learned throughout this journey to trust in Him and HIS timing. This Christmas, my husband and I received a crib and car seat as gifts so we can pass our final home check. It’s not the way I thought we would be blessed with a child to love, but we’ve seen firsthand some of the kids that need a new home and we’re excited that God is calling us to be that safe, loving home for one of them.
So, for the first time in a while, Christmas was filled with hope and excitement.
I know many of you are not yet in a place of hope and excitement, but I encourage you to hold on to Jesus and have hope. I know as we have all dealt with the heartbreak of infertility and loss, we don’t love hearing the clichés that come with it, but I encourage you to hold onto the hope that God is working in your life, even if you can’t see how he could use all the pain and heartbreak you’re experiencing right now, he will bring it to light, in his timing.
Let this be a new year of hope for you!
About Kelley O.
Kelley and her husband Dustin currently live in Indiana. Kelley is a Marketing Assistant for the local Community College, and Dustin is a Deputy for the Sheriff’s department. They have two dogs, Domino and Riley and are very involved in their church’s young adult and kids ministries. In their (rare) free time they enjoy camping, motorcycling and spending time with family in Indiana and Colorado.