
Finding Peace in the New Year
By: Rose Carlson
The holidays are over, and you may be breathing a huge sigh of relief that you made it through those stressful days. Hopefully, they weren’t as bad as you might have imagined they would be. Now it is a new year, a fresh start, and you may be dreading that as well. Some grieving parents find the beginning of a new year just as difficult, if not more difficult, than the holiday season.
It isn’t always easy in the best of times getting through the long, dreary winter, and when you are grieving, winter can seem endless. During the shorter, darker days of winter, it may seem as if spring will never arrive, just as you may feel as if the darkness in your heart will never ease. It may seem next to impossible to feel hopeful during the long winter months. Amid grief, just as in the midst of a frigid, icy winter, it can take a great deal of effort to appreciate or find even the most minuscule things to enjoy. Yet if you do make the effort, you will probably find small yet lovely things all around you. And noticing them can make the difference between a day that you just muddle through waiting for things to get better and a day that you can look back on when it ends and know that you made the best of whatever it held. Often, it does seem as if things will never get better, which makes noticing and enjoying small things all that much more important. And while you will still be grieving and deeply missing your baby, you may find that focusing on the little details may bring you some peace and maybe even a moment or two of joy, despite your sadness.
You may be thinking right now that there is absolutely nothing in your life any longer that will bring you joy. In fact, you may be thinking right at this moment that you will never enjoy anything or laugh or even smile ever again because it is not uncommon to feel that way after your baby dies. And while I know it is hard to do, try to trust me when I say that you will slowly begin to feel better, to smile and laugh again, even if in the beginning it is only because of small things.
I challenge you to take a few moments each day to seek out something that will bring you some happiness, make you smile, or make you feel grateful. Whether it is cuddling with a pet, going for coffee with a friend, noticing an early spring breeze blowing through your open window, taking a slower-paced route home from work or simply looking at something you see every day with “new” eyes, it can help heal your broken heart to focus on something pleasant each day, even if it is only for a few moments. I think you will find that as the days go by, it will become like second nature for you to look for these small things to enjoy. You may find that you notice little “gifts” each day that you might not have noticed if you were not actively seeking them out. It can also be helpful to write these things down each day in a journal; you will then have a permanent record of how far you have come months or years down the road.
It can be helpful to think of a few small things you enjoy and make a list of them to refer to in the coming months when you need a pick-me-up. Even simple things such as enjoying a cup of hot chocolate by the fire or bundling up and taking a short walk can help chase the chill from your heart. On a snowy day, re-discover the joy of lying in the snow and making snow angels…write your baby’s name in the snow next to it, take a picture, and put it in a frame. If you enjoy gardening, look on the internet or buy a book or magazine and start planning a garden in memory of your baby that you can create in the spring. There are many different websites that sell engraved stones, wind chimes, garden benches, and more.
While you may not feel much like socializing, try to take some time each week to spend with a close friend or family member who has been kind and supportive of you. For many people, cooking and/or baking nourishes the soul…if you enjoy baking, make some cookies or bread and take them to a friend, neighbor, or even your doctor’s office. Perhaps now is a good time to make a special scrapbook or photo album honoring your baby. The ideas are endless; the key is finding small things you enjoy doing and turning to those things on days when your spirit may need a lift.
While it may be sad leaving the old year behind, you may at the same time be looking forward to embracing a new year full of hope, promise, and new beginnings. Whatever you are feeling right now is right for YOU. There is no right or wrong way to approach any new milestone you encounter. The most important things are to honor and acknowledge whatever feelings you may be having and to do whatever you need to do to nourish your body, mind, and spirit during the long winter months. And try to remember that spring always follows even the longest and darkest of winters.

About Rose Carlson
Rose is the Program Director at Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support. She came to Share in 2002 as a volunteer and eventually joined the staff in 2004. She has a BS in Psychology with a minor in Sociology. Her personal experience as a bereaved parent brings an invaluable perspective to her work. Rose manages the Share Memorial events, serves as an educator and is the Share Chapter coordinator.