Navigating an Impossible Grief

By: Karen Struzik

As I contemplate on many of the events that occurred 23 years ago when we lost our son to stillbirth, I find that I would want to go back and tell my 31-year-old self several things to help her navigate this impossible grief.

1. Having to choose a funeral home while you hold your baby is not normal: You are not crazy for not wanting to think about it.
2. To the woman who rejected you for wanting to return the diapers to Walmart:  She was the ignorant snob – it was not you!
3. To those kind and religious souls who thought they were helping you by telling you “It was the devil’s work” or “now you are saved”:  Don’t listen to them – they are trying but failing – you have your own conversations and arguments with God.
4. To those who ignored you – and didn’t want to be near you like you had the plague because “they” were uncomfortable: Remind yourself – they have absolutely no clue how uncomfortable you are – breathe and keep your head high – you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
5. To those who ask you, “Do you want to stay in your grief?” OF COURSE NOT! There are so many so-called “psychologists “out there telling you what they think you should be doing or feeling – I’m telling you they are clueless- are they all pros at how to navigate losing a child? – Nope, so you go at your own pace.
6. To those who asked you, “Where is your baby?”- Explain as best you can – after they walk away, realize that sadly, this may happen again. It is okay for you to walk away and cry – don’t ever think it is not.  

I would also like to tell you this: You are on a healing journey that is unexpected and unprepared for. After months of preparing for your little one, the pain and grief are real and heavy. If you do not mind, I will also tell you this:

1. You will be given gifts that are beyond beautiful in your life.
2. The grief and pain in your gut will lighten over the years, but you will have the pain and the scar with you always- it becomes part of you.
3. You may become a little more cautious, ask more questions, be less trustworthy of people and things, but at the same time become more compassionate and show empathy for all people.
4. You will find beauty in the little things – hold onto every one of them as you go through this journey.
5. I promise you will make it through even though it seems impossible right now.
6. You will love your baby forever from the first day to your last.

If you or someone you know has lost a baby due to stillbirth, neonatal death, or miscarriage, please email me at struziks@yahoo.com   

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About Karen Struzik

 Karen is a Counseling Secretary for the Waterloo Central School District in the little town of Waterloo, NY.  Married to her wonderful husband Conrad of 32 years, and has 3 beautiful girls, Jacqueline, Gabrielle, and Julianna. Her son, Alexander James, was born sleeping on April 17^th, 2002. At her 37-week appointment, they were unable to find his heartbeat. There was no cause of death for Alexander- no reason and no answers.  Over the years, Karen has decided to do something positive for women who have experienced the same suffering. She creates bookmarks for those who have experienced a loss due to stillbirth, miscarriage, or neonatal death. SHARE was the first group I reached out to when I lost Alexander, and I am hoping to give back for all the support they gave me during that difficult time.