A Fresh Wave of Grief

By: Robyn Busekrus

There is no easy way to deal with triggers.  They will always be with us. Sometimes when a song comes on the radio the emotions come strongly.  We each have our own way of facing our triggers and every person’s way of dealing with their emotions is okay. I know when I have reached my limits.  Sometimes I have to step away from a situation for a few minutes. By stepping away, it brings peace in the midst of whatever is causing the memories to come rushing back.  I have learned that it is okay to say I can’t deal with this now, as well as establishing boundaries of what I can tolerate.

Emotions are complicated, but it is okay to know what we need and respond accordingly. 

Memories can be painful and remind us of difficult moments  Personally, triggers have come in many forms. Sometimes when I hear a baby cry it takes me back to the hospital room holding our son, wishing he would be crying, while next door I heard the cry of a newborn.  At other times, it is seeing a child of a similar age, thinking how our son would be that age and learning skills, such as walking and talking. I parted with one of my favorite outfits because it was one I wore to the doctor the day we found out he had no heartbeat.  I couldn’t have a visual reminder of that day.

Driving to work, I take a different route now. There are reminders of when I was expecting. I would talk to him as I drove to work on the old route to work.

When going places, I have to prepare myself for situations that may trigger a rush of emotion. If I go to a park, zoo or library I know there will be little ones there.  While it is not easy, I have a mental awareness that I will probably hear or see little ones playing or crying.  

I reflect on the happy memories.  The day I found out I was expecting.  It had been seven years since our youngest son was born, and our family was excited.  I think of a dear friend who gave me a cute outfit that I wanted our son to wear after he was born.  Now it is part of the shadow box I made with his footprints. Even though I wish this wasn’t part of our journey, I want to honor the time I carried him and count it a privilege to have been his mom for even a short time.

“Small things can trigger a fresh wave of grief…a smell, a look or perhaps a song… within seconds you are flung into a time machine and are transported back to that ‘moment’ when time stood still and the world had crashed at your feet.” (Zoe Clark-Coates)