Full and Broken

By: Ann-Marie Ferry

My heart is full and broken.

I am sitting in my quiet living room as a sweet little 11-week-old girl sleeps on my chest. The time since her birth has been a peaceful one. We have experienced all the crazy sleeplessness and the insanity of transitioning to be a family of four. However, the peace and contentment I have in knowing my child is now safely out of my “womb of death” outweighs any of the difficulty and stress of the transition. After not being able to care for my eldest daughter for almost nine months, the daily difficulties of motherhood seem even more rewarding. My life has been lived on a roller coaster the last few years. Three bad pregnancies in three years and the loss of Kuyper have broken me down. This little girl, however, has helped to mend my heart.

It would be easy for those who sit on the outside to think that having another baby would somehow, take away the pain of losing Kuyper.

That somehow, I would forget him with the birth of his sister. It is not the case and I never expected it to be. The peace, the contentment, the mending of my heart was also something I did not expect. When Kuyper died my heart broke and a piece of it was forever lost to this world. What I never anticipated was that a patch would be put over it. My daughter’s birth was that patch. My heart is now broken and whole all at once. Like the scares that I carry on my body from the birth of my children, my heart will always be a testament that my son lived and is always loved. My heart is filled a little more these days. It works a little better. It is a patch work quilt that tells the stories of my little loves and how they have forever changed me.

In three days it will be September 20th. The hardest day in my year. That is not the day that I delivered Kuyper. It is the day he should have been born. The day that reminds me more than any other day on the calendar of what should have been. The one day when my PollyAnna tendencies are sure to take a hike.

And so, like my first sentence stated my heart is full and yet broken. I am happy and yet sad. I am living with a patch work heart and I am thankful for the little people who have each scared and mended it. All three of them are worth the price of pain.

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About Ann-Marie Ferry

Ann-Marie is a nurse based in the Midwest. Her and her husband have been married for close to a decade. She has three spunky girls and one sweet little boy in heaven. After nine months of hyperemesis, hemorrhage, and pre-term labor, her first pregnancy resulted in a full-term baby girl. Kuyper, her second child, was stillborn during his second trimester in 2013. Her third pregnancy concluded six weeks early resulting in a NICU stay. Although, still complicated and high risk, she would describe her fourth and final pregnancy as a redeeming experience. 

Ann-Marie can be found blogging at annyeferry.blogspot.com and on Instagram @annyeferry.