Mothering Each Day

By: Robyn Busekrus

The birds are singing and the sun is shining. When I turn the calendar to May, it brings sadness. I say to myself, “Here we go again.” This month, we honor mothers and for those of us who have been on this loss journey it is difficult. This May, my son would be two and I think of the things he would be doing: running with his brothers, picking flowers in the lawn, playing with trucks in our driveway and jumping in mud puddles. 

Mother’s Day is a painful time. It has taken me time to realize what I can and can’t handle. Learning boundaries and realizing what is best for myself has brought some peace. I usually sit at the cemetery and cry, while watching the grass sway in the wind overlooking our town. I need that peace and comfort.

Being present there among the sadness is what connects me to him and our loss journey. The beauty is the sun is shining and that brings hope.

We also take a drive to nowhere particular on Mother’s Day.  Sometimes it is the river and at other times it’s just a long drive through winding roads. My husband and I usually are quiet, both of us pondering our son and thinking how it would be different if our son were here. It seems like yesterday we were experiencing loss and now two and half years later it seems not that long ago, but still feels far away.

Being a mom is more than mothering my own children.  I mother my students in caring for them at school.  With the school year ending quickly this year, I haven’t been able to say goodbye like I normally do. This too is a loss.

In this season of uncertainty and the new normal, has stirred my grief up again. The unexpected, the changes that have occurred and now facing a new normal…all of those things I experienced when we lost our son.

I wish I had words to say that would bring peace and comfort to my heart and your heart. Those of us who have been on this journey of loss and pain know that sometimes no words can be spoken.  It is knowing you are not alone, that there are others that are walking beside you whether near or far through kind deeds or by sharing encouragement.

Recently, I have been working in our garden. The garden keeps expanding each year. I started the garden as a way to carry on my grandfather’s tradition. For the past fifteen years in March, I get the tools, put them in great-grandma’s golf-cart and drive up to the garden area. I think back to my grandparent’s chain link fence with the tomatoes and peppers growing tall.

As I plant the garden each year in March, I think of my son who would be two. I think of how he would reach a new milestone in his growth. 

May we find the sunshine to shine on us on our toughest days.  May we see the growth around us: trees, flowers and plants.  May we realize that on this Mother’s Day our hearts will never outgrow the love for our children. Wishing you a gentle and heart-felt Mother’s Day.

Recently I was at a function and a woman smiled at me. I smiled back. She looked familiar to me but I wasn’t sure. A smile bridges those gaps. She walked over and said, you’d don’t know me but I lost my son at 16 weeks recently and a mutual friend of ours gave me your blog link. I read your blog, and I appreciated your writing. I started to well up for tears. Two and half years ago I couldn’t have imagined that writing would help others on their journey or presented the opportunities for myself. To use a gift to help others is rewarding.