True Colors: Celebrating on Mother’s Day

By: Robyn Busekrus

As Mother’s Day approaches, we may be flooded with memories of our own mothers, longing to be a mother, the pain of losing a child and the joys of becoming a mom. These are just some ways we may connect to the concept on Mother’s Day.  

For myself, the day is a mixed range of emotions.

I celebrate my boys and the joy they bring.  I remember when I first held each of them in my arms and felt this immense joy. Deep sorrow is also present as I long for my son Hope.  Remembering the words, “I’m sorry” from the doctor and wishing it was a dream and not reality at that moment of finding out he no longer had a heartbeat.  Recalling delivering my son and knowing it was goodbye, even before delivering him. Holding him for the eleven hours and then handing him to the nurse to officially say goodbye was beyond heartbreaking.  

Not having those forever moments with him hurts to the core.

On Mother’s Day, I have a quiet day.  It’s too hard to go to church on that day.  While I celebrate my sons, I know I will most likely cry during the service because Hope is not there.  Last year, we spent the day as a family and I worked in my garden. The solitude was much needed.

I have learned when something is too hard it’s okay to choose what’s best to help yourself cope in situations.

This past week I wasn’t feeling well, and one night our oldest son sat next to me. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Mom it’s okay. I am here.” A simple sentence with care and a loving hand brought peace. It didn’t make me feel 100% better, but it brought an inner calm and a level of peace.  My son mothered me by just being present. It was one of those moments that reminded me that others have reached out and mothered me on this journey of loss.

The boys are open about our loss, and I am glad they are comfortable talking about our Hope.  As we were driving home one night I said, “It’s okay, even though it’s not okay.” When I say that, it’s because it’s okay to feel the sadness, grief and pain even though we want it to go away.  Our son Luke asked for the song “True Colors” to be played as we were driving home. The boys know one of my favorite songs is True Colors. The lyrics are beautiful.

The lyrics sum up my feelings on missing Hope and especially as Mother’s Day approaches.

True Colors
(Lyrics by Billy Steinberg and Tom Kelly)

You with the sad eyes

Don’t be discouraged, oh I realize

It’s hard to take courage

In a world full of people

You can lose sight of it all

The darkness inside you

Can make you feel so small

Show me a smile then

Don’t be unhappy

Can’t remember when

I last saw you laughing

This world makes you crazy

And you’ve taken all you can bear

Just call me up

‘Cause I will always be there

And I see your true colors

Shining through

I see your true colors

And that’s why I love you

So don’t be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

True colors are beautiful

Around Mother’s Day last year, a package arrived in the mail.  When I opened it, I got teary-eyed. After losing Hope, I started attending a support group.  They have been wonderful to walk alongside me in this journey.  I have also gained friendships with other moms who have gone through loss. These women have been a source of encouragement. In the package, was a ring that said ‘Mom.’ One day, I lost my ring. I started to get upset, but realized it was a ring and a new one could be made. The next day I came to work and on my table there was my ring, someone had found it. 

Gems are rare and precious… just like moments with my boys, little gifts such as the ring, the eleven hours of holding Hope and those who support us on this journey.

“She sprouted love like flowers, grew a garden in her mind, and even on the darkest days, from her smile the sun still shined.” -Erin Hanson.

 

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