By: Kelley O.
Our Journey to Parenthood
Four. A number. A small number. Less than 5. More than 3. Low on a scale of 1 to 10. An insignificant number. Four.
It’s the number of times I have gone to my husband with excitement to show him a little pink line! The number of times I have shared with family and friends the news of a new baby! The number of times I have planned and organized a bedroom for a little one who will soon arrive.
But to me, four is not just a number.
Four is the number of times I’ve gone to my husband dreading the words, “I’ve miscarried”. It’s the number of times I’ve called my mother to tell her she will no longer be Grammy and called my sisters to tell them they will no longer be Aunties. Four is the number of birthdays, anniversaries and Christmases I’ve gone through without the joy and laughter of a child to share them with. Four is the number of times I’ve gone to Doctors asking “How? What’s the cause? Is there any solution?”
Four is the number of times I’ve cried out to God, “Why? This isn’t what I signed up for. This isn’t what I had in mind when I was growing up dreaming of getting married and starting a family.”
Four is the number of times I’ve fallen before God, telling Him I trust Him. Even when It’s not easy.
I know according to His word that He will keep me from all harm and He will watch over my life (Psalm 121:7), but to be honest, it’s verses like this that make me say, “God this seems harmful! This really hurts!” But I have found that the more open I have been about my journey the easier it is to walk. You may be thinking, “How can she share over and over that she has miscarried?” Or, “I would never want to tell others about how mad I am at God.”
Well you know what? I had those thoughts too. And I hid my feelings and frustrations. I plastered on a smile every day and faked it better than anyone I know. I shoved all the hurt, frustration and sadness as far down as I could.
Until one day, I cracked. And you know what? IT. FELT. GOOD.
Four years ago, I had my first miscarriage. We had just told everyone that we were expecting and the excitement of the first grand-baby exploded! Four weeks later that excitement was gone. As anyone would be, we were devastated. We went to the doctor for answers only to learn none could be found. My husband had to leave a few days later (rather unwillingly) for 8 weeks of training at the police academy. I was alone and heartbroken. Away from my parents, siblings and friends, I felt like I had no one. Sure, my husband’s family was here, but they were HIS family not mine. I couldn’t let anybody know how upset I was. I had to keep strong. For him and for me.
I was angry.
Angry with God. So mad that I stopped going to church. I was tired of trying to fake it through service. As time passed I asked more questions and talked about my loss a little more. There was a woman I knew in our church who had recently dealt with a loss. She poured into me. Not minding if I called crying or texted a million frustrations. She prayed with me time and time again. She got it. I am so grateful for this woman.
As the saying goes, “time heals all wounds,” and as time passed I hurt less and less. About a year later another pregnancy followed by another loss. We learned our lesson the first time and didn’t announce so early. But still, at six weeks found ourselves heartbroken again. Back to the doctors with more questions. Still no answers. Again, we let time pass. We healed. We tried again. Another pregnancy, followed a few weeks later another loss. You see the pattern. Four years. Four miscarriages. Lots of hard feelings and emotions. One very tired woman.
I finally reached the point where I didn’t care what people at work or at church thought or said about me. I decided it was time to share my story. It wasn’t easy at first, to be open and honest. Vulnerable.
It felt good to let out all my feelings and frustrations.
I didn’t feel like I was hiding who I really was anymore. I was broken. I was hurt. But you know what the Lord has shown me on this journey? It’s okay for others to see you struggle and go through trials. Just look at what He went through! I learned that the more I opened up, the more people prayed, the more they cared. I even learned that other couples we knew had dealt with the same loss and anger as we were going through. There was a whole new support group that we could reach out to as we processed what had happened.
It’s still hard, but what keeps me going is knowing the faithfulness of God. His word says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4). I may still be on this journey, but I know when I finally get to hold that baby in my arms, God will get all the glory!
Four. The number of children who will run into their mama’s arms when she reaches the white pearly gates of Heaven. Oh what a reunion that will be!
About Kelley O.
Kelley and her husband Dustin currently live in Indiana. Kelley is a Marketing Assistant for the local Community College, and Dustin is a Deputy for the Sheriff’s department. They have two dogs, Domino and Riley and are very involved in their church’s young adult and kids ministries. In their (rare) free time they enjoy camping, motorcycling and spending time with family in Indiana and Colorado.