Father’s Day and Miscarriage

By: Tiffany Elder

I remember looking at the screen and waiting. 

Waiting for the technician to zoom in on the baby so we could see her for the first time.

My husband was off to the side holding our three-year-old son on his lap. When the baby finally made her appearance on the screen, I remember seeing tears of joy well up in my husband’s eyes while he was telling our son how that little blob that looked like a gummy bear on the screen was his new little brother or sister.

Glancing back at the screen, I was quiet. I did not have tears of joy in this moment. I knew that this is not what a nine-week-old baby is supposed to look like. I knew that something was wrong. I knew my heart was about to be broken. And I knew that, while my husband did not know it yet, his heart was about to be crushed too.

And it was.

I do not think I ever realized how much it did crush him, which is a testament to the man he was for me when I needed him the most. In the same way that you do not realize how painful pregnancy loss is until you experience it, I believe that we as women will never realize how much pregnancy loss does crush the fathers in our lives.

I am not sure about you, but my baby had a daddy that loved her. She had a daddy that was excited to meet her. She had a daddy that wanted the world for her. She had the best daddy ever.

For those of us whose babies we lost have good daddies, let us not forget those fathers this weekend. 

My heart wants to say that if you have had a good man by your side through the painful trenches of pregnancy loss, you should remind him how thankful you are for him this weekend. My heart says celebrate them! But, I recognize that my sincere intentions may not be what they need.

So, this weekend, do what you think the man in your life needs.

He may need to be told he is a good daddy. Tell him.

He may not want to acknowledge the day at all. Distract him.

He may just need to be told that you appreciate him, but also make no mention of Father’s Day. Hug him and tell him you love him.

Do not support him through the grieving the way you would want to be supported. Celebrate him the way he needs to be supported. 

Trust me. If you have a good one, I am sure he did the same thing for you.

---

About Tiffany Elder

Tiffany is a speaker and writer whose desire is to help women discover and fulfill who they were created to be. This passion flows from her and is evident on both the stage and the page. Tiffany is the wife of Joseph, who is one of their church’s Student Ministry Directors. They currently live in the Dallas, Texas area with their three-year-old son, Jackson.

Read more from Tiffany on Sharing Magazine or her blog, Digging Deep.