Letters to Hope

By: Robin Busekrus

This Christmas, my mother-in-law gave me a journal.  On the front cover there is the word Hope.  My mother-in-law said, “I know how much you enjoy to write.  I thought you would like this for writing about Hope.”   At that moment, I did not know what I would write in the journal.  We lost our son Hope on October 19, 2017.  I was in the second trimester of pregnancy and at a routine appointment he no longer had a heartbeat.  

Christmas was difficult, yet as I looked at the journal I was appreciative of the thoughtfulness of the gift.  I did like to write and it had our son’s name on the cover.  For the next week, I put the journal to the side and kept pondering what to write.  

January 1st came and I decided I would write a letter to Hope each day in the journal for the next year.  

It would be difficult, but I wanted to share about our days in the journal and also wanted to have the journal to reflect on in the future.  It’s been almost two months since starting to write in the journal.  As I have reflected on the entries, there has been sadness intertwined with the joys of our older boys Drew and Luke.  Through writing, I have allowed myself to express the variety of feelings grief bestows: anger, sadness, longing and disbelief.  

Here is one of the letters I wrote to our son, Hope:

January 18, 2018

Dear Hope,

Tomorrow you will be gone three months.  I so wish I could hold you.  At 1:51am, I will remember delivering you.  You will always be my sunshine.  I wish I could have done something to help you.  I hope grandpa and all of our family are taking care of you.  My sweet angel ~ know Momma always has you in my heart.

Love you always,
Mom

About a month into writing in the journal, I notice on the front cover it had butterflies on it.  Butterflies are my favorite creatures and they are the symbol of infant loss.  

The gift of this journal was meant to be a part of our journey.