By: Jean Mecke
On this day, a year ago, my heart was shattered. I was told I needed immediate surgery because I had lost the precious babies I had been carrying for almost a full trimester. Those babies were wanted, and they were loved. It’s amazing how much of a bond can be formed in just a few short weeks of knowing.
After months of struggling through people’s comments;
“Don’t worry, you can have another.”- But what if I can’t?
“How long will it take you to get over this?”- Will I ever? Who even asks that?
“Well, what do you think happened?”- How the hell should I know?
Even though we suffer through the seemingly rude and insensitive questions, we had to realize that people who haven’t been through it really just don’t know. They don’t know what to say, and there really isn’t anything they CAN say. Nothing helps.
A few months after the loss, I got the go-ahead from the doctor that it was okay to start ‘trying’ again. “If you’re ready,” he said. How do I know if I’m ready? Should I feel healed? I still feel the same. Angry. Sad. Broken. What if it happens again? I don’t think I can handle another horrible loss. The pain, emotional and physical. The questions I had didn’t have answers. He said “you just take a chance.”
So, we took a chance for a rainbow baby. A few months later, we got a positive pregnancy test.
I wasn’t overcome with immediate joy, though. I was overcome with fear. I told myself to not get excited. I had to hold back my excitement, because there was no way I could possibly handle the pain of another loss. I went to the doctor to confirm pregnancy- only 4 weeks along. So early, no heartbeat. He assured me it was too early and we could try again in a few weeks. Those weeks were SO LONG. We got a heartbeat at 6 weeks, though! Now, I could feel a little bit happy.
But we weren’t telling anyone. Not one person. We live in such a close community, we couldn’t imagine going through another publicly known loss. These people we are surrounded by are so genuine, and they truly care. They hug (a lot), they empathize, they ask what they can do, they bring dinners. We have families that were devastated by the loss just as much as we were. They cried with us on the phone. They felt the pain. We will wait. We will tell them when it’s “safe.”
After going to the doctor almost weekly, we made it to 13 weeks! A strong heartbeat, a growing baby! Still, I held back excitement. We told our daughter that we were going to have a baby, and we told our photographer that was going to take our Christmas photos with the reveal to our families and friends. It’s a hard secret to keep!
When our families and friends got their Christmas cards and discovered that we were having a baby, they were all so shocked to hear! We were almost halfway through the pregnancy when everyone found out, and some were so confused as to why we didn’t tell anyone. Not even our Moms and Dads!
We were starting to get excited about the new addition, but I still wouldn’t buy anything. Not a onesie, nothing. I didn’t want jinx it until after we had the anatomy scan. Is this how the entire pregnancy was going to be? Non-stop paranoia? It’s no fun. When we got our anatomy scan done, we found out the baby is a healthy girl! No problems with the baby, but preeclampsia had already set in with me.
Great. A complication.
With my first, I had preeclampsia, too. It put me in the hospital for a month. I can’t be in the hospital for a month this time, I have a toddler to take care of!
Luckily, with the great care and help of my doctor (and amazing support of my husband), we have almost made it to the end of this pregnancy! It has been a tough, exhausting. emotional road. I said the other day, “Ugh, nobody wants a pregnancy like this.” Then, I quickly realized, who am I kidding? There are millions of women who would take a pregnancy like this. At least it’s a healthy baby. At least we’ve come this far. At least we get what we wanted.
At least we get what we wanted.
That’s what matters!
So, where am I a year after a devastating loss? Ready to deliver a new miracle.
Am I healed? No. I don’t think it’s something you ever get over. I will always wonder what happened, why it happened and who they would have been. But I will always be eternally grateful for the joy that came to us after the loss.
Our dear, sweet Rainbow Baby!
About Jean Mecke
Jean with her husband, Charles, and their daughter, Annabell, joyfully welcomed their daughter Ainsley Everette Mecke on May 8, 2017.