By: Kathleen Berg
Your Birthday is almost upon us again. This time of year is incredibly hard to get through. It is hard to believe that almost eight years ago you came into this world, were here but two short hours, and were quickly gone. I stared upon your face and only held you twice in my arms. I stared upon your face. I never saw what color eyes you had, nor what your smile would be like. I never heard you laugh or cry.
I just knew that you were formed perfectly and the love I felt, and still feel, was powerful. You were not meant to be a part of this earth.
Those moments I shared with you, I remember so clearly. It still feels like yesterday at times. Yet eight years also feels like eternity. There are days when the pain is more than I can bear. The other days I try to remember to find happiness because I know that is what you would want.
Your big sister may have made me a mother first, but you showed me what a perfect blessing it is to be a mother.
Your younger brother brought hope back into my life. Your littlest brother became an angel too. When I looked upon him, I knew in an instant that he was with you and that brought me some measure of peace.
Not only is it almost your Birthday but you share it with your Daddy as well. I know it is a bittersweet day for him. We try to celebrate you and Daddy but our hearts hurt just the same knowing you are not a part of the day. We will light a candle and honor you as we do every year.
My mind always goes back to how it was when you were born.
Yet I cannot help but imagine what this life would have been like if you had a chance to live with us all of these eight years. I can picture you playing with your big sister and little brother. You would have had a blast with them and they you. When I see other children who I know would be your age I feel a twinge of envy because I know you should have been here.
I still struggle constantly with the whys and what ifs.
I probably will until the day I die. I am so sorry if I have failed to find the happiness I know you would have wanted. The hole in my heart from your absence is constant. I know that hole will never close. The time that I spent with you, though it was short, changed me forever.
The thing that keeps me moving forward in this life is something your Daddy said after you were born.
All you knew was love. I know that to be true because you are loved still and always will be.
Your middle name is Hope, I have hope that someday I will look upon you in Heaven, I will hold you in my arms, and then I will never let you go.
Happy Birthday my angel,
Kathleen Berg is from Saint John, Indiana. She is a wife to husband, Ken, and mother to two children at home, Elanor and Eric, and her two angel babies, Valerie and Daniel. After losing Valerie in 2010 due to sub chorionic hemorrhage during her 21st week of pregnancy, writing poems and journaling helped Kathleen cope with her loss. In 2016, Daniel was born unexpectedly during her 15th week of pregnancy also due to a sub chorionic hemorrhage. In the aftermath of her losses, she turned to Share to help cope and connect with other women who have experienced the loss of a child. Through her writing, Kathleen wants to give hope and support to others who feel alone in their grief journey.