October Has Never Been The Same

By: Robyn Busekrus

It is difficult for me to look forward to October.  At one time, fall was my favorite season. The cooler weather, hoodies, cozy blankets, bonfires and pumpkins were some of aspects of fall I loved.  Now, October is bittersweet. I still have some enjoyment of the fall season, but it is hard to feel joyful when your heart has sorrow.

We lost our son in October 2017. Since then, October has never been the same.  Looking forward to the fall holidays of Halloween and Thanksgiving is very painful.

Two years ago, I was ecstatic.  We were expecting our third child.  For seven years, we desired to have another child.  When we found out we were expecting, we were overjoyed.  It was such a happy time in our life as a family. Our boys brought much joy to our lives and this new addition would continue to add to our joy.  

That October, I was feeling confident.  I made it through the first trimester and was in the second trimester.  My previous pregnancies went as expected with no complications. At my doctor’s appointment on that October day I heard the sorrowful words, “I am sorry. I wish I could do something.” 

At first, I thought it was a dream. I thought to myself, “This is not real. I am not hearing this. I am not seeing what is on that ultrasound screen.” My heart broke into pieces, that continue to be broken to this day.

As the cooler nights begin, I have been sitting on my porch cuddled in my ‘Hope Blanket.’  Two friends of mine have crocheted a beautiful rainbow blanket that they named The Hope Blanket. We name our son Hope, because at that moment when our hope was gone, we needed hope.  Hope for the present and hope for the future, as this was going to be a lifelong journey.  

Lately, I have been wrapped up in my blanket and it brings some comfort on those cool nights.  I remember the eleven hours I held our son wrapped in his blanket. Everyday I wish I could hold him again.  My Hope Blanket reminds me of the kindness of others and how a gift of meaning can bring some joy during a month that is no longer as joyful. 

When I look at the shades of colors on the blanket it reminds me of the mixture of feelings in my heart. Sometimes, I feel the red as in anger.  At other times, the blue shade represents sadness. The orange color signifies the warmth of the goodness of others that continue to walk alongside this unwanted journey of loss.

Pregnancy Loss and Infant Awareness month is an important time to honor our children that continue to be treasured in our hearts.  I am so grateful that there is a time where loss is honored. Our hearts as bereaved parents know the ache as we remember our sorrow. This October, I wish you peace and comfort during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  May we wrap up in our hearts the memories of our joy at the exciting news of our pregnancies. May we also hold onto the warmth of others who were there for us and continue to show their care. 

Robyn Busekrus

About Robyn Busekrus

Robyn Busekrus is a mom, wife, educator, and writer who makes her home in Washington, MO.  Losing her third son Hope in the second trimester of pregnancy, was an unexpected part of her life’s journey.
Robyn’s blog www.robynsnestofhope.com chronicles the journey of loss and hope.  Appreciating the little things in life, while holding onto faith each day is the message she wants to share with others.  Her interests include reading, home decorating, vintage markets, and community service.
Facebook: www.facebook.com/robynsnestofhope/

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