By: Nikki Grayson
The deep green and blue ocean waters rise and fall before me. The deep blue horizon looks to be a million miles away. Sand wedges between my toes and the warmth of the air envelopes me. As I search for hidden sand dollars, my eyes are set on the tan sandy beach, but my mind is focused on one thing…
I’m already thinking of you, Hunter. You are an embryo already delicately formed, awaiting for when I am ready to do another transfer.
You were loved more than you’ll ever know, before you were even formed…before all of the surgeries, the injections, and every heart wrenching twist and turn along the way.
As summer ends, the tree’s change colors, and pumpkin spice fills the air. Auburn, orange and yellow leaves fill the woods. The morning fog sifts through the crisp air, and although my eyes are set on the beauty of Autumn all around me, my mind is yet focused on one thing…
You are now in my belly, your heart beating under mine. We are able to see you on ultrasound, your little hands and feet..all so perfectly seen in the picture we are sent home with. We love you even more…we’ve waited so long for this moment.
Snow falls and the air is blatantly cold around me. The leaves have fallen from the trees and the sky is pure white. My eyes are set on the beauty of the white snow filled field before me, but my mind is focused on the loss of you.
Tangible and Intangible reminders of you flood around me.
Your blue blanket you were so gracefully placed on, pictures of your perfectly formed fingers and toes, your perfect nose and chin. The sound of your heartbeat saved on a heart shaped recorder. Reminders of you are
everywhere, and for that we are so, so grateful.
With every season, reminders of you swirl around us. Before you were formed, while your heart was beating under mine, and even when you were gone too soon, we carried you through each and every season…whether in our hearts or in my belly.
We loved you then, we love you now, and we will love you forever
About Nikki Grayson
I am a mom to 5 babies lost through miscarriages, the most recent one being my son at 16 weeks pregnant. I am a nurse, and I live with my husband and two dogs. We love to take walks, ride four wheelers, and do anything that involves being outdoors! I want others that are walking this journey of infertility and pregnancy loss to know they are not alone.