By: Amy Lied
In preparation for this month’s article on signs that we’ve received from our child, I went back and read a post I had written on my personal blog, only two weeks after our son was stillborn.
That first week without Asher back in 2017, he sent us numerous signs to let us know that he was still with us.
First, while in labor with Asher, my neighbor visited us in the hospital and brought us a keepsake box. She works at another nearby hospital and took one of the boxes that they give to families who suffer the loss of a child. In that box was a set of bracelets; one for baby and one for a parent to wear.
Within that box was a short line from an E.E. Cummings poem, “I carry your heart.”
This poem is one that is very popular in the loss community. However, it is one that has been a part of our lives for years.
While my husband and I were dating in college, he sent me that poem and told me that E.E. Cummings was his favorite poet. (He is an English teacher.) For his college graduation, I got him a book of E.E. Cummings poems as one of his presents.
At our wedding, it was shared as one of the readings.
It is something that held great meaning to us even before the loss of our son. The fact that THAT verse was in THAT box was a sign from Asher that he knows us.
He knows our history as a couple.
He knows we are his parents.
He knows that we will always carry his heart with us.
Second, later in the week, my husband was on Amazon purchasing some workout equipment. He was using a gift card that was given to him back in November, 4 months prior. He had me read the code to him while he typed it in.
The first 5 letters were “A-S-H-3-R…”. Asher. It spelled his name.
My husband freaked out and was like “Oh my god! That is so weird! WHAT DO I DO WITH THE GIFT CARD NOW?!”
Obviously, we kept it because it could only be described as a sign from Asher. He was with us.
Third, while in the hospital in labor with Asher, we had my parents go to our house and remove all of the baby items from the main floor. We had them put everything in Asher’s room and close the door.
My husband and I decided we wouldn’t go into the room until we had Asher’s ashes to put in there, to put our son in his room the only way we could.
On Thursday night, 4 days after Asher was born, my husband said that he knows we want to wait until we have Asher’s ashes to go into his room, but that he feels like that was the last big hurdle for us. He didn’t want to wait a few more days for his ashes before going into the room.
While my husband was verbalizing this to me, my phone rang.
It was the funeral director, telling me that Asher’s ashes were ready and we could pick him up.
It was a sign from Asher, telling us it was time to go into his room and face everything we had hidden behind that door for the last couple of days. He was listening to us and wanted us to take that next step in our grieving process.
Lastly, the next morning, after we picked up his ashes, we were on our way home with the radio playing in the background. While we were driving, the song playing suddenly piqued my attention.
It was Motley Crue’s “Home”. The lyrics to the song are “I’m on my way, home sweet home.”
Tears started streaming down my face.
“Are you listening to this?!”
Asher was giving us another sign. He was coming home with us. His spirit was still going to be with us at home.
I like to think that Asher knows how important music is to me and that is why he chose to have that song played at that exact moment in time.
It’s been over three years since Asher sent us these signs and I still remember each one vividly. All of these signs were exactly what we needed during those first days without him. Each day was a battle to get up and out of bed, but he continued to show us he was near by sending us these symbols of his presence, encouraging us to keep moving.
As time has passed, the frequency of them has decreased, but he still sends me signs that he is near.
He sends me cardinals on my fence, letting me know he is close.
He sends me four-leaf clovers in our back yard, telling me that he is outside playing with his little sisters.
He sends me butterfly visitors to the bush in his garden, bringing a smile to my face.
On the days when I really need to know he is close, he has a way of letting me know that he is.
All I have to do is my eyes open and pay attention.
I encourage you to do the same.
About Amy Lied
Amy Lied is a wife and a mother. Her son, Asher, was inexplicably born still on February 19th, 2017. Before losing Asher, she suffered a miscarriage and struggled with unexplained infertility. After losing Asher and struggling to conceive again, she went back to treatment where she became pregnant with her twin daughters; Harper and Scarlett. She has documented her journey from the beginning of her infertility struggles on her blog, Doggie Bags Not Diaper Bags. She is also a co-founder of The Lucky Anchor Project, an online resource for loss families that houses an Etsy store whose profits are donated to loss family non-profit organizations. Sharing her journey has helped her cope and she hopes it also helps others who are walking on this road of life after loss.