Your Baby is So Much More than Gone

By: Amanda Crews

After Carson died, my world turned to ruins. Everything we had planned for was gone. It didn’t matter that we installed the car seat a week prior or that his nursery was 100% ready. It didn’t matter that every piece of clothing was washed and ready to be worn. We wouldn’t wait expectantly for a gummy-smile or first giggle. There would be no first birthday or first steps. We wouldn’t wonder what he would be, because he would never be anything other than gone. 

I didn’t realize then, but it was all a lie. 

In fact, he’s been so much more than gone. 

He’s in everything. He’s in my writing and public speaking. He’s in the softness of my motherhood. He’s in the appreciation I feel for every day. He’s in the sweet moments with his brothers and sister, and he’s also in the hard moments. He’s a perspective that pushes me to love harder because, at the end of the day, love is all that we really have. 

He’s a driving force for the good that flows from my body. 

He’s pushed me to be a better human. 

To love those who weave in and out of my life with all of my heart. 

To know that everyone has a story. 

To offer the benefit of the doubt, even in circumstances that hurt or feel unreasonable. 

To appreciate every snuggle and aspect of motherhood that I hear so many friends complain about. 

To live and let go. 

He made me a mother. 

He’s made me stronger, yet also softer.

He’s made me brave. 

And I understand love better because of him. 

He’s anything but gone. He’s all around me in the faces of my children and husband. He’s in the hurt and healing. He’s loved beyond my own understanding, and he has strengthened my faith to the core.  Look around, mama. Your baby is anything but gone. They’re all around you, strengthening and sharpening you. Let them make you brave. Let them make you bold. Let them make you do things you’ve only ever dreamed of. Let them make you love harder, squeeze tighter, and appreciate it all. Live for another day. Live in another day. Take each moment and squeeze it for what it is. We’ve got this.

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About Amanda Crews

Amanda is a follower of Jesus, wife to Chris, and mama to Carson (5) and Lucy in Heaven, and Mia (4), Arie (2), and Mateo (9 months) here on Earth. She offers Christian encouragement on her website http://www.sanctifiedbylove.com and enjoys reading, writing, cooking/baking, traveling, and investing in relationships. Amanda can also be found on Instagram at  Amanda’s (@as.crews) profile on Instagram