Forgotten Fathers

By: Amy Lied

When it comes to child loss, the fathers are the ones who are often forgotten.

After leaving the hospital without our child, my husband was often asked “how is Amy doing?” He was rarely asked how HE was doing, but I wasn’t the only one who lost a child. 

He did, too.

As the years have progressed, it seems that time has only lessened the focus from others on his grief. People have forgotten the weight he carries on a daily basis. 

Not only is he carrying the loss of a son, but he also has put it on himself to be “the rock” for me, to be the strong supportive force in our lives.   

When it comes to me, people tend to be pretty aware of my preferences in regard to our son.  I want to hear his name.  I want his place in our family acknowledged.  They are more aware of what they say around me because I am more outspoken about my grief.  They “know their audience” when speaking to me. 

My husband tends to be the opposite.  He doesn’t have a blog sharing his feelings of loss.  He doesn’t chat with many other loss fathers about his experience.  He is less vocal about the pain he carries, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t carrying the same grief I am.

There have been several occasions where a friend repeatedly said that he has to have a son to carry on his family name.  He went on and on about how important that was to him and that it was his job to keep the name going. 

I sat there listening to this with my heart aching for my husband.

My husband is a father to a son. 

Yet his family name won’t be carried on by that son.

Because he died.

My husband never a said a word about how that statement was hurtful to him, but I know it was.

I know it was something he had thought of himself.  Before losing a child, it was something he thought was important too. 

Just an example of the forgotten fathers. 

Their pain is overlooked.

People forget to “know their audience” when speaking about certain things around them.

Let this be a reminder to remember the fathers who are carrying the weight of child loss with them every single day.

Remember that fathers grieve, just like mothers do.

Remember that just because they aren’t as overt about it, their pain is there.

Remember that Father’s Day is not an easy day for them.

Remember them, just like you remember their child.

A gentle Father’s Day to you all

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About Amy Lied
Amy Lied is a wife and a mother. Her son, Asher, was inexplicably born still on February 19th, 2017. Before losing Asher, she suffered a miscarriage and struggled with unexplained infertility. After losing Asher and struggling to conceive again, she went back to treatment where she became pregnant with her twin daughters; Harper and Scarlett. She has documented her journey from the beginning of her infertility struggles on her blog, Doggie Bags Not Diaper Bags. She is also a co-founder of The Lucky Anchor Project, an online resource for loss families that houses an Etsy store whose profits are donated to loss family non-profit organizations. Sharing her journey has helped her cope and she hopes it also helps others who are walking on this road of life after loss.