By: Amy Lied
It’s been five years since we lost our son, Asher. Since then, I have very openly talked about him and how the loss of him has affected every facet of my life.
Losing my son changed me and I’m very vocal about that fact.
I can only assume as time has progressed that people are tired of hearing me talk about it. I’m sure people see my posts on social media, roll their eyes, and think “oh god! Another post about her depressing life asking for sympathy.”
Actually, let me rephrase that, I KNOW for a fact that many people feel that way, some of which have said it to my face.
So let me be clear….
I don’t want your sympathy.
I am not an open book about my life so that you feel pity for me.
I don’t want you to look at me and think “that’s the mother who lost her son, how sad.”
I want your EMPATHY.
I want you to read about my experience, “put yourself in my shoes,” imagine the unimaginable, and understand how losing a child, at any age or gestation, permeates EVERY aspect of your being.
I didn’t lose a pregnancy.
I lost my firstborn child.
I lost my son, who I desperately wanted and worked very hard to conceive.
I held his lifeless body in my arms for the first and last time on the day he was born.
I lost out on a lifetime of memories we should’ve made together.
I WILL NOT move on from it, no matter how much you wish I would.
My son is not something to move on from.
He is my child.
I can tell you what I will do though…
I will move forward WITH my son.
I will carry him with me for the rest of my life.
I will continue to say his name.
I will continue to hold his photo in our family photos, so his place in our family is ALWAYS acknowledged, regardless of how others feel about it.
I will continue to share our experience to help others understand the gravity of a loss like this and that it’s okay to talk about it, to help other loss parents feel support and validation, and to, selfishly, continue my child’s legacy.
I will ALWAYS be Asher’s Mama.
It is something I can never “move on” from and it is something I would NEVER want to.
If you find it annoying that I continue to talk about my son or if you think that I’m doing it to seek sympathy from others, consider yourself lucky that you don’t know this grief firsthand and take a second to try to understand how consuming it could be for someone who does.
About Amy Lied
Amy Lied is a wife and a mother. Her son, Asher, was inexplicably born still on February 19th, 2017. Before losing Asher, she suffered a miscarriage and struggled with unexplained infertility. After losing Asher and struggling to conceive again, she went back to treatment where she became pregnant with her twin daughters; Harper and Scarlett.
She has documented her journey from the beginning of her infertility struggles on her blog, Doggie Bags Not Diaper Bags. She is also a co-founder of The Lucky Anchor Project, an online resource for loss families that houses an Etsy store whose profits are donated to loss family non-profit organizations. Sharing her journey has helped her cope and she hopes it also helps others who are walking on this road of life after loss.