By: Nikki Grayson
Epiphany: A moment when you finally see or understand something in a new way.
Maybe you, sweet girl, just like myself, trudged through the ups and downs of infertility and pregnancy loss, enduring many years of confusion, hurt, and the questioning of, “why me?” Perhaps you are reading this, and you are still confused, you are still hurting, and you still want to know from the depths of your being, “why me?” Have you found yourself asking,
“Why can’t I carry a child?”
“Why do I have to go through all of this pain?”
“Why did I lose yet another pregnancy, another baby I longed to meet?”
“Why oh why me?” (Emphasis added because, well, I’ve asked more than like, twenty times.)
Metaphorically speaking, when I found myself asking these questions in the midst of the pain and the struggles, I felt as though I had a paper heart. A folded paper heart. The little pink paper heart that a giggly girl made in class on Valentine’s Day. But then a spunky little boy snatched it and crumpled it, folding it in ways only his little hands could think of. I was broken, and I was oh so bewildered. Seriously girls, bewildered is a low-key word for my confusion. Honestly, I think the word higgledy-piggledy might rank a bit higher to my bewilderment during those five years. Yes, higgledy-piggledy is a word, it’s even defined in Merriam Webster as confused and disordered. It makes me think of pigs, I mean have you ever seen a group of pigs when they are riled up? It is a disordered mess of mud, smells, and utter confusion…just ask my sister-in-law.
All joking aside, I want to tell you, yes you, the girl who is reeling from a pregnancy loss, whether you were five weeks or thirty weeks, that these trials and the wounds they leave behind can lead to beautiful destinations. I don’t know where you are on your journey, but please, take a sip of your favorite coffee, savor it and savor the following words: Don’t lose heart. That crumpled up pink construction paper of a heart? It can be straightened back out. Will the crumples still be visible? Of course! But those crumples tell a story, and they led to my very own sweet epiphany, just as they may lead to yours.
As I’m typing this, I’m in the midst of my sixth pregnancy loss. Six losses all in six years. Here’s the sweet buttercream icing on the cake though: after five losses, five years of asking, “Why me?”, five years of tear-soaked pillowcases, gut wrenching prayers, doctor office visits and all things ‘infertility and miscarriage’ entails, I found myself holding my very own son that I carried, a true miracle.
I don’t know the reason for our miscarriages or losses. The pain will always find a spot in my heart, but all of my crumpled areas led to my miracle. The sweet epiphany is that the timing of everything led me to the very thing I wasn’t sure I would ever have. I had to endure five painful miscarriages, but I learned the fragility of pregnancy and how much of a pure blessing a child is. As I yet again go through my sixth loss, and the all too familiar feelings, I have to remind myself to not lose heart. I can promise you, from my own experience, that we never know when a miracle is right around the corner. Your miracle may come in a different way than mine, or it may be similar, but keep your faith, keep your hope, and always, always remember, you are not alone in this.
Epiphany + Folded Paper Hearts; A moment when you finally see or understand why your heart had to bend, fold, and receive crumples. [Throughout Infertility, Miscarriage, or Stillbirth]…or other trials you have endured.
About Nikki Grayson
Nikki and her husband endured years of repeated miscarriages, infertility, and the loss of their son Hunter at 16 ½ weeks pregnant. Her sixth pregnancy resulted in their rainbow baby; a sweet and very loved little boy. Aside from being a nurse, Nikki has a heart that longs to reach out to others who are struggling with pregnancy after loss and precious Mamas who are hurting after the loss of their baby. Nikki wrote a book during the weeks after losing Hunter called Teardrops in Hunter’s Hollow. The words and pages are meant to be a safe place for women to know and feel they are not alone, with glimmers of hope along the way.