Resting in the In-Between
By: Rose Carlson
In this time, between the busyness and chaos of the winter holidays and the new year, we can feel out of sorts, sometimes with no desire to do much of anything. It can be a time of feeling unproductive and uncertain as we wonder what the new year might bring while we feel overwhelmed at dealing with the aftermath of what is left after the holidays.
We can feel much the same after our baby dies. It, too, can feel like an in-between time, a time when we feel unproductive, uncertain about our future, and overwhelmed at dealing with the aftermath of what has happened to our lives and hearts. When our future feels uncertain, it can provoke feelings of anxiety, stress and difficulty coping as we try to shift from what we thought our lives would be like to what it now is. Time moves on for everyone else, while we feel as if time has come to a standstill.
The most important thing we can do is allow ourselves to rest when we need to and reflect on our life and how we can go on from here. The quiet times, when it seems we are between two different worlds, can open us up to inspiration if we slow down and pause.
The following are some suggestions on ways we can weather this time of transition, to not just survive, but perhaps even thrive during days that can seem to blur from one to the next:
- Take advantage of the time of inactivity by reading inspirational books, watching your favorite movies or finding a creative outlet.
- Cozy up your home by putting out soft, warm blankets, light your favorite candles on dreary afternoons, stock up on your favorite hot beverages and listen to music that soothes you. Simmer a small pot of seasonal fruits, herbs and vanilla on your stove to bring a touch of warmth.
- Purchase a pretty notebook and some nice pens for journaling. Research shows that journaling can relieve stress, help to reframe negative thoughts and help you cope with anxiety.
- Lean on your loved ones. Most people want to be there for us; they are just typically unsure of what to do and how to help. Resist the urge to isolate yourself; go out for coffee or a walk with a good friend. You may feel better when you let others support you, as we are not meant to go through tough times alone.
- Focus on self-care. Try to eat healthy meals and find ways to nourish your spirit. That is different for everyone, so do whatever works for best for you.
- Spend some time outdoors. Go for quiet walks or just sit outside for a few minutes wrapped in a blanket. Even 20 minutes of fresh air can improve your mood and help you sleep better.
- Cook your favorite comfort food, or order it from your favorite restaurant if cooking feels like too much.
While this time of year can make anyone feel out of sorts, it can be especially so when you are grieving. These emotions can feel more intense if this is the year you said goodbye to your baby. The most important thing is to be gentle with yourself and accept the way you are feeling. Do not feel guilty if you have been less than productive. And trust that this in-between time will not last forever; you will eventually find a way to look forward to the future with hope.
About Rose Carlson
Rose is the Program Director at Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support. She came to Share in 2002 as a volunteer and eventually joined the staff in 2004. She has a BS in Psychology with a minor in Sociology. Her personal experience as a bereaved parent brings an invaluable perspective to her work. Rose manages the Share Memorial events, serves as an educator and is the Share Chapter coordinator.