By: Marie Kriedman
I find myself in a new place of my grief journey: regret, with a side helping of disappointment and sorrow.
I am struggling with the fact that my last pregnancy ended in death. My husband and I would like to add to our family, but my age makes it more difficult. We don’t want to replace our daughter, rather we simply want to add to our family.
I’m resentful that my family planning has possibly ended, and not on my terms. I never wanted to be older and say, “I wish we had more kids”, and yet that is exactly where I am. If I were 10 years younger, we could try again with a clearer conscious, but there are many more considerations at the end of a woman’s fertility years, for both mom and baby. We are hesitant and terrified, and quickly running out of time.
The highchair and baby swing and crib sit empty in our home. The bottles, bibs, blankets, and tiny outfits are all put away but still linger in the house. Each item is a constant reminder of our loss and wishful trappings. “Just one more healthy baby,” I think daily. Our loss, and the finality it represents, is too much some days.
I try to remind myself that my baby only knew comfort and love. She had a nice squishy bath that was the perfect temperature. She was never hungry or hurt or scared.
For all the grief and sadness, and anxiety and stress, I wouldn’t change it. I regret many things about the loss and the emotional consequences, but never Olivia. As her mom, I am proud and humbled to share her story. I continue to be her advocate and ensure her life matters, hopefully helping others along the way. She is my daughter, and she, like all my children, have my heart.
This Mother’s Day I will enjoy a (hopefully) wonderful day with my kids. I will marvel and cherish the handmade gifts, and the sweet, eager faces who want to celebrate me. I will also give myself permission to grieve my girl and future children who may not be.
About Marie Kriedman
Marie started her journalism career as a copy editor and paginator for a newspaper. She eventually left the newspaper business and has continued as a freelance writer for more than 20 years. She founded Write Away K and is a children’s book author. Marie and her husband are graciously permitted to live in a house with their cats. They are also parents to two children and one angel baby. Please visit BooksbyMarie.com to learn more.