By: Robyn Busekrus
As Mother’s Day approaches, we may be flooded with memories of our own mothers, longing to be a mother, the pain of losing a child and the joys of becoming a mom. These are just some ways we may connect to the concept on Mother’s Day.
For myself, the day is a mixed range of emotions.
I celebrate my boys and the joy they bring. I remember when I first held each of them in my arms and felt this immense joy. Deep sorrow is also present as I long for my son Hope. Remembering the words, “I’m sorry” from the doctor and wishing it was a dream and not reality at that moment of finding out he no longer had a heartbeat. Recalling delivering my son and knowing it was goodbye, even before delivering him. Holding him for the eleven hours and then handing him to the nurse to officially say goodbye was beyond heartbreaking.
Not having those forever moments with him hurts to the core.
On Mother’s Day, I have a quiet day. It’s too hard to go to church on that day. While I celebrate my sons, I know I will most likely cry during the service because Hope is not there. Last year, we spent the day as a family and I worked in my garden. The solitude was much needed.
I have learned when something is too hard it’s okay to choose what’s best to help yourself cope in situations.
This past week I wasn’t feeling well, and one night our oldest son sat next to me. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Mom it’s okay. I am here.” A simple sentence with care and a loving hand brought peace. It didn’t make me feel 100% better, but it brought an inner calm and a level of peace. My son mothered me by just being present. It was one of those moments that reminded me that others have reached out and mothered me on this journey of loss.
The boys are open about our loss, and I am glad they are comfortable talking about our Hope. As we were driving home one night I said, “It’s okay, even though it’s not okay.” When I say that, it’s because it’s okay to feel the sadness, grief and pain even though we want it to go away. Our son Luke asked for the song “True Colors” to be played as we were driving home. The boys know one of my favorite songs is True Colors. The lyrics are beautiful.
The lyrics sum up my feelings on missing Hope and especially as Mother’s Day approaches.
(Lyrics by Billy Steinberg and Tom Kelly)
You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged, oh I realize
It’s hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
The darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
Show me a smile then
Don’t be unhappy
Can’t remember when
I last saw you laughing
This world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
Just call me up
‘Cause I will always be there
And I see your true colors
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Around Mother’s Day last year, a package arrived in the mail. When I opened it, I got teary-eyed. After losing Hope, I started attending a support group. They have been wonderful to walk alongside me in this journey. I have also gained friendships with other moms who have gone through loss. These women have been a source of encouragement. In the package, was a ring that said ‘Mom.’ One day, I lost my ring. I started to get upset, but realized it was a ring and a new one could be made. The next day I came to work and on my table there was my ring, someone had found it.
Gems are rare and precious… just like moments with my boys, little gifts such as the ring, the eleven hours of holding Hope and those who support us on this journey.
“She sprouted love like flowers, grew a garden in her mind, and even on the darkest days, from her smile the sun still shined.” -Erin Hanson.
About Robyn Busekrus
Robyn Busekrus is a mom, wife, educator, and writer who makes her home in Washington, MO. Losing her third son Hope in the second trimester of pregnancy, was an unexpected part of her life’s journey.
Robyn’s blog www.robynsnestofhope.com chronicles the journey of loss and hope. Appreciating the little things in life, while holding onto faith each day is the message she wants to share with others. Her interests include reading, home decorating, vintage markets, and community service.