Walking in My Grief

By: Amanda Crews

Child loss is something I had honestly never even thought about. Now, it’s all that I think about. We lost our first born at 37 weeks. On Thursday we heard his heartbeat, and on Friday, he was gone.

How do you wrap your head around that? It’s nearly impossible. It took everything that felt safe and made it feel scary. It filled the crevices of hope with angst. It made me wonder: When will the next person I love die?

However, I have learned in my walk of loss and in my journey of faith: that those what-ifs are just ways to stop us from living.

Our babies would want us to laugh, to breathe in the fresh air, to take in this beautiful life, and to most importantly, carry them on until we meet again.

It’s been almost seven years since we’ve said goodbye to our sweet boy. I miss him every day. As a family, we’ve decided to do positive things for our community, for our neighbors, and for our lives in order to carry on Carson’s name in love and goodness.

We’ve donated hundreds of swaddle blankets to a local hospital with help from our family and friends. When Covid stopped us from doing that, we shifted to other things. We’ve done random acts of kindness (meals, money, groceries, etc.). We’ve made birthday cakes together and blow out our candles every year on what should have been his day to celebrate.

We don’t often share our why with others because that is between us and God, but we are determined to turn the hardness of our loss into good. One act at a time, one smile at a time, from one hurting heart to another, we will always make sure good is done for our sweet boy in Heaven.

However you carry your child on, make it good, my sweet friend! I’m doing that, we also carry each other.

”You planned evil against me; God planned it for good to bring about the present result — the survival of many people.“ Genesis 50:20 HCSB

About Amanda Crews

Amanda is a follower of Jesus, wife to Chris, and mama to Carson (5) and Lucy in Heaven, and Mia (4), Arie (2), and Mateo (9 months) here on Earth. She offers Christian encouragement on her website http://www.sanctifiedbylove.com and enjoys reading, writing, cooking/baking, traveling, and investing in relationships. Amanda can also be found on Instagram at  Amanda’s (@as.crews) profile on Instagram

1 Comment

  1. Linda Teeple on June 17, 2024 at 1:12 am

    Amanda, We lost our firstborn, a son, Jason David, many years ago. I identified with, “It took everything that felt safe and made it feel scary. It filled the crevices of hope with angst.” I am amazed at your wisdom that our babies would want us to be happy. I do not think this ever occurred to me. This is a wonderful gift to me. I am in my seventies, writing a book about my experience of loss, grief, and a slow-in-coming healing. You have a beautiful attitude about turning your grief into giving to others. Thank you for sharing your journey. My thoughts often turn toward heaven–and I picture my smiling Lord reaching out to hand me Jason. God’s blessings on you, Amanda, and your entire family. Linda

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