Whatever It Takes
By: Lindsey Dell
I love the band Imagine Dragons. They have a song called “Whatever it Takes,” which I’m certain was written about something far different than managing grief but for a long time after the loss of our baby, I felt like it was my theme song. (Actually, if we’re being really honest, my theme song was “I Will Survive,” except I wasn’t sure that I would). I live my life in songs. There’s a song for everything. It’s kind of like baseball. Every hitter gets a “walk-up song,” the song that plays as you walk up to the plate to bat. Since February 18, 2020, there have been many songs swimming through my head but “Whatever it Takes” seems to be my constant walk-up song. February 18, 2020, was the day we found out our baby had no heartbeat…a day that’s burned into my brain with a branding iron.
Ever since that day, I’ve had to do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes to heal, whatever it takes to move on, whatever it takes to grieve, to work, to be present in my life, etc. Whatever it takes. Now, that can mean something different for every person. I remember specifically very shortly after the loss of our baby, “whatever it takes” meant something completely different for me. I was sitting on the couch watching television mindlessly. I couldn’t tell you what garbage show I was watching or what it was about, but I remember there was a psychic medium on. I was always fascinated by mediums and their ability to “speak” to the deceased. I don’t know how much I do or don’t believe in it, but I will say that I’m fascinated by it.
I can’t remember exactly which psychic medium was on TV that day, but I remember it was a famous one. I remember going to all of his social media platforms to find him. I saw that he did personal sessions, not just television appearances. I HAD TO HAVE ONE. I was dying (no pun intended) for some answers and since the medical professionals couldn’t give them to me, perhaps this perfect stranger who knew nothing about me or my situation could do it. A personal reading with this particular medium costs several hundred dollars and I didn’t care. I remember telling my husband about it and I remember him looking at me like I had completely lost my mind. Maybe I had. At that time in our grief process, I didn’t know what else to do. I felt like maybe I really had lost my mind. I was willing to pay any amount of money for something. I didn’t even care what. I just needed someone to tell me something.
I have a tendency to be an impulse buyer at times but when it comes to more expensive things, I try to think it through a little bit more. I didn’t immediately book the session with the medium, but I did reach out to get more information. I know my husband wasn’t thrilled about the idea of spending hundreds of dollars on what he probably considered a waste of money, but I know he was willing to do whatever it took to make me feel better. Ultimately, I never did end up booking the session with the medium and I still do wonder if he would have given me the peace of mind that I needed. I wonder if he would have been able to speak to my daughter and if I would have believed him anyway. I’ve seen psychics and mediums and psychic mediums on TV and am floored by the things they’re able to “read” but I just never know if I’m 100% convinced. I suppose if we had money flowing out of our ears and a few hundred dollars was a drop in the bucket then I would have done it without question.
There’s a chance that one day I’ll still pony up the money and do it. Truthfully, the reality is we’ve saved a lot of money by not having children (not by choice) so I guess one day I could do it if I still wanted to. It’s a gamble and I’m afraid if I drop the money and don’t get what I need or want out of it I’ll be pissed that I wasted the money, with nothing tangible to show for it. I guess my point is that when you’re grieving, you have the right to do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better. Grief is hard. And I was willing to go to lengths I wouldn’t have normally gone to in order to feel even one ounce of relief. I’m not judging anyone who believes in the supernatural. Like I said, I’m still not sure what I think. I’ve even been to a live show before with a very famous medium and it was a very cool experience for the lucky few who got to interact with her.
Even four years after the loss of our daughter I still find myself in survival mode at times, needing to do whatever it takes just to get through a day sometimes. And I’ve given myself permission to do that. Sometimes that means staying in bed longer, skipping a workout, eating dessert first, and saying no to something. It looks different for everyone. Just know that it’s ok to do whatever it takes, however long it takes. Imagine Dragons said so, so it must be true!
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About Lindsey Dell
Lindsey is a mother to 2 angel babies. She lives in Cottleville, MO with her husband Nathan and their 4-year-old Wheaten Terrier, Louie. They are still hopeful that they will have their rainbow baby one day.