By: Sabrina Ivy
We are missing it all. And tonight it hurts like hell.
Baby loss isn’t something that just happened at one tragic day in our lives years ago. It is something that we carry with us as we endure each and every day and special occasion that comes and goes without our daughter here with us.
Every milestone that should have been achieved is locked away, never to be experienced.
We missed her first smile and giggle.
We missed the first time she rolled over.
We missed the first time she pulled herself up and crawled.
We missed her first tooth.
We missed her first steps.
We missed her riding a bike or telling a silly joke.
We are missing all that comes with the beauty of childhood…and now we are missing her first day of school.
We homeschool our children, and as I was purchasing curriculum for this fall, it just hit me so hard that I should be ordering for one more. I knew this day would come, but it was one of those moments I couldn’t even prepare myself for. There should be a place on our bookshelf for Alivia. There should be a special chair with her name on it.
Our silly first day of school pictures should have her in them.
This isn’t the way it was supposed to be. It all feels so wrong, because it is. There is nothing right about this. There are going to be a lifetime of moments like these, where it hits me that one more achievement of hers is accomplished on the other side of the stars.
I know all the phrases people say to make us feel better, I’ve heard them all a million times before. I know she is happy in heaven. I know she never knew sadness. I know she isn’t in pain. I know she is perfect. I know, I know, I KNOW!!!!! It doesn’t make it better. It doesn’t make it hurt less. Tonight, all the feelings are on the loose, and nothing can make this better…not tonight. Tonight it just hurts like hell.
I sometimes wish people could touch our pain for a moment. Just touch it, and really feel the agony of it all. Because maybe then they could understand how baby loss is not just something that happened on one unfortunate day in our past…but it is something we carry for the rest of our lives.
Our hearts are marked with detailed scars that will never heal the way the others do. It is just an undeniable fact. And as life goes on, the scars don’t heal, they just get a little deeper and deeper with every missed moment. That is part of baby loss. That is our reality.
Tomorrow the sun will rise and the day will start. I’ll walk by her curio cabinet holding all of her things. I’ll kiss my fingertips and gently put them on her picture hoping she feels my kiss from heaven. I’ll take a deep breath and pray that after all of the tears I’ve shed tonight that I can have some kind of solace for just a little while.
There is always some pain in the good days, and some good in the painful days. Tonight… tonight it hurts like hell.
About Sabrina Ivy
Sabrina is married to her wonderful husband, Chris. She is a mommy to four beautiful children; two that walk with them and two that live in Heaven. They are a homeschooling families and have found great comfort in being able to mourn and grieve in their own ways together. The Ivy’s daughter was stillborn at almost 37 weeks on March 22, 2014. This has been a journey of faith, grief and hope for their family.